maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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