Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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