i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
how does that bad decision feel?
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