I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
