real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize