You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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