i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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