I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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