Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
