Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
