i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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