nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
