Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
