You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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