My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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