he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
