I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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