So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
