some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
