I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize