This is not my ceiling
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
