I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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