you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize