My friends, they love my intelligence
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
