Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
