In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
