1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
