The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
