yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Randomize
