After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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