My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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