i was born a porn star she said
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
