If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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