I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
