What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
