Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
