Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
