she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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