I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
