I think my fart just growled at me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
