Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize