the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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