Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize