I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
