I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
