My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
