dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
