I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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