eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think your dad took our porno
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
