WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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