Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
