I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
