I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
