I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
