Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
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