I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
