May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
