ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
