I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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