we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
