apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Success! We fucked roommates!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
