I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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