How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
