If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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