So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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